Part 12 – Conclusion

Twelve

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Conclusion? My conclusion is that there’s no real conclusion. In one fell swoop life changed for me, and nothing will return to normal. I’m looking forward to whatever the “new normal” will eventually look like. They say it can take up to 18 months to recover from a stroke. One author, who was a doctor who had a stroke, said she saw improvements for up to 7 years. There’s a lot to relearn. I’m only 4 months in at this point (mid-March 2015). My first goal is to be able to walk by myself up and down our road before it gets too far into summer. After that, in May, it’ll be market time to handle. And some time in the future, driving again. Of course, these are my plans. I don’t know what the future holds. I only know God is faithful and He loves His children.

Facebook Post:

Dec 24, 2014
I have struggled with understanding the purpose for the stroke.
Why did God take sooo much of my communication skills?
Why does typing and talking have to be so hard now?
It’s not enough for me to know that i’m gonna be okay eventually.
He’s a LIVING God and I need to hear Him
and to KNOW Him in the midst of this trial.
Just being religious doesn’t cut it.
It’s about FELLOWSHIPPING with HIM in it.
All of life is about fellowship with HIM,
but especially trials.
Don’t get out of the difficulty wo having truly connected
with HIM on it and having Him reveal Himself to you.
In you.

_____________________________

Dec 26, 2014
Not long after my post the other day about my needing
to HEAR Him on the purpose for this thing He’s asking of me,
I was reading Ephesians 1.
It speaks several times of ‘purpose’ and that the purpose
for our lives being: “to the praise of His glory”.
The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
I don’t enjoy the trial. Huh uh, not for a second is this pleasant to my flesh,
but oh yes! my spirit does enjoy finding and pointing out my Father,
my Creator who loves me in this situation.
And that thought cuts across sooo many lines:
whether stroke, or difficult marriage, a wayward child, illness, or any other Cross God
brings and asks you to endure for His Name’s Sake….
Have faith that God desires to and WILL glorify Himself in it..
Have faith to find purpose in laying down and resting right there.

To have purpose in life is essential. It’s hard to make sense of things otherwise. To just coast along in life without purpose is boring and pointless and messes with our head. A lot falls into place in the thinking when our purpose is clear. It puts our mind at ease, which is healthful and a peaceful place to live.

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Dec 30, 2014
hard to believe it’s been a month.
how quickly things can change.
how fast it all goes.
how much we take for granted.
really take the time to love on the people
around you.
no more hating or irritation or anger or self-righteousness.
life’s too precious to sweat the not really important.
do justice.
love kindness.
walk humbly with your God.

Still believe this with all my heart. If there was one point I could hand to people, wrapped in a package and tied with a bow, and give them the heart and eyes to live it – it would be this one. There’s so much that’s so much more important than all that we’re distracted by.

Jan 1, 2015
Deuteronomy 32:4

“The Rock! His work is perfect,
For all His ways are just;
A God of faithfulness and without injustice,
Righteous and upright is He.”

_______________________

Jan 5, 2015

Jeff goes back to work tomorrow.
I’m gonna have to trust the Lord in ways that
I’ve not had to do before.
I’ve never been disabled and alone before for
10-12 hrs stretches.
Altho’ I’m getting around very well,
there’s still much i’m limited in.
Yes, the kids are close, neighbors and friends are nearby;
People will be checking up on me.
But still, new learning curves.
It will be an adventure with Him.
And while I’m a bit nervous,
I’m also looking forward to what
He has in store.

It’s still a bit strange to be alone. It’s good though. I’ve only had to call for help once, and that was for something no worse than spilling a glass of water all over the kitchen floor.

_____________________________

“Faith for my deliverance is not faith in God. Faith means, whether I am visibly delivered or not, I will stick to my belief that God is love. There are some things only learned in a fiery furnace.” – Oswald Chambers

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Jan 6, 2015
Well, that was unexpected! I just, without thinking about it, stood up and started walking from my chair in the bedroom to the bathroom- without the walker! I was halfway there before I realized it. It was completely spontaneous. My first thought as it hit me what I’d done was: Jeff’s gonna kill me!” lol

I do this every now and then- catch myself “being normal” without thinking about it.

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Jan 14, 2015
Idk… as my recovery goes on and improvement shows itself every day
and I’m getting closer to being “normal” (whatever that is, or was)
I find myself getting frustrated or irritated more often. Little things.
Like catching the walker on furniture or doorways, like knocking stuff over, like dropping stuff, spilling stuff.
Like having a melt down in the kitchen cuz I
can’t get the STUPID CAN open!!
um, yeah….
God taught me long ago that for the big anger to come under control, I must control the little anger.. in this case impatience.
But the lesson’s bigger now. Jesus lives IN me. It’s not about my controlling anything. It’s not even about anger.
It’s about HIM.
HE is my very patience. HE is patience in me.
He’s also the can opener……
It’s the difference in how I see HIM in the moment of frustration…
and will I give up my life and let it be only about HIM?
hard to explain..
Galatians 2:20: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”

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Jan 23, 2015
You know, there’s a place in a true Christian’s life where death to self is utterly right, and good, and necessary.
How we fight it! How we seek to retain the small things for ourselves. Tooth and nail we’re not giving that up!! It’s not fair! I don’t deserve this! I shouldn’t have to go through this!!
But if God loves you (and He does) then He’s pursuing you to let Him have Everything.
Cuz He knows when you let go of everything of yourself,
then you will find your Everything in Him.
Can you do it, my friend?
Will you do it? (for it’s a matter of the will).
Will you embrace the Cross He’s sending?
Will you say, “Not my will, but Thine?”
Everything about this stroke has meant death to “me”.
It has been HARD!
I’m not looking for sympathy.
I’m asking “will you join me?” in this way of the Cross?
Will you lay down having to have your way? your say? and stomping around in your own heart like a two-year old?
Surrender. Relax.
Trust.
“It is not death to die” (to self)

This had to do with a very specific situation that was happening. A physical setback that I was fighting the Lord about. I wasn’t giving in to Him, wasn’t accepting it on His terms, wasn’t allowing Him to do it the way He saw fit. Wasn’t resting in Him nor trusting Him. I was balking and we were at odds. I finally got to my wits’ end with it, and He ever so sweetly, ever so gently asked me if I would bear the cross, rest in Him, and follow His way which was better than my way. It was indeed bittersweet. He gave me the strength to bow to it and break my will and let Him have the thing. And I have been walking at Peace with Him ever since. The Cross does that- releases the inner turmoil in our souls.

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Jan 25, 2015
It is ever His Fullness over against my emptiness; His Strength over against my weakness; My inheritance is ALL HE is… – tas

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Jan 29, 2015
My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev’ry promise is enough
For ev’ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.
-keith and kristyn getty

_____________________________

Jan 31, 2015
“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, But My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, And My covenant of peace will not be shaken,”
Says the Lord who has compassion on you.

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read through all this. I hope you found it meaningful and enriching. I’m glad to have put some of it on paper. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment, if you care to.

Comments (6)

  1. Katharine

    Thank YOU for writing it. Your writing reminds me of so many who’ve gone through breaking and then gone on to write about it. This was like a long drink of living water. <3 U

    1. Mary

      Thanks, Kathy. That means a great deal to me. 💚

  2. Lisa Russell

    Hi Mary,
    Your story was very uplifting and encouraging. You have touched my heart and have given me new direction in my walk with God. My son and I met you and your husband at the Farmer’s market. His name is Ryan and he worked at the market. We bought some of your product and really like it. You and your husband seem to be such sweet and caring people. I look forward to seeing you again next season. Take care and God bless.

    1. Mary

      Yes, Lisa, I remember you. We’ve been blessed by getting to know Ryan this year. He’s helped us set up and tear down several times this year which we’re so very thankful for. I’m also grateful to know that my story has touched your heart for God. Keep trusting and listening to Him. Life might be hard at times, but He is worthy to follow anyways. 💚

  3. Mary (Post author)

    Thank you, Charmaine. Appreciate you! {hug} <3

  4. Charmaine Hoo

    Hi Mary, thank you for sharing this journey the Lord has had you on, and His faithfulness and the loving ways He has shown you that He has been and is in it with you, and the spiritual growing pains as you are learning this “death to self” that He is bent on teaching us all one way or the other. Praying that each new day will see you nearer and nearer to full recovery.

    God bless you my sister.

    Charmaine <3

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