One of the effects of my stroke was that my right hand would grab things and not like to let go. It was cause for some humor and some embarrassment at times. I’d have to actually stop and tell it to let loose of this or that.
Normally, folks just do stuff like that without thinking about it, but I have to think through everything now, step by step. Even something as simple as wrapping a gift or making dinner has a million steps to think through. ?
Lately, I’ve realized that my mind does the same thing as my stroke hand did. It takes me a long time to mull over things and land on a direction and get it organized in my head. I get set. And I plan on it. And it’s firm. Ready, set…….
…..go?…….?
….And then something comes along to change things, and it doesn’t go like I was expecting. ..And I can’t let go and flow with the changes! ?
I’ve always been this way to some degree (like we all are), but since the stroke it’s MORE. I mean, to the point where I just CANNOT get my plans and my organizing and set ways of thinking out of my mind. I CANNOT shift gears. How I had it figured out repeats over and over. And I almost panic because it got changed up on me.
It’s crazy. ?
It happened to me again today. I had my plans set. Had even asked God to bless them. Expected God to bless them. Thought it was gonna go that way. But then something totally different came up.
At first, I floundered and felt the usual anxiety and digging in my heels. But then, after a time, I could see it. Recognize what I was doing, and surrender what I was holding onto. My plan. My thoughts. My organizing that sounded wholly wise and logical, even needful. To me.
But it wasn’t what God planned for me. He had a different direction in mind. Different ideas. Better ones this time, actually. Less stressful even.
I guess what I’m coming down to is the spiritual lesson in all of it.
We have our plans. Our thoughts. The things that sound logical to us. Where we feel comfortable. We love to organize according to our minds and ideas and the things we think we need. Like my stroke hand, we grab our plannings to ourselves and won’t easily let go. ?
But God’s thoughts are not ours. How easy it is to organize Jesus right out of our thinking. How easy it is to even go so far as fighting whatever he brings cuz we can’t loose our grip on our own ideas.
How easy it is to follow our own mind and stubbornly hold onto the way we were thinking about it, while all the time, he’s saying, “Yoo hoo, I love you and know what’s really best for you! Here’s what I’m thinking. Wanna join me?”
Oh, how much of Christ we miss when we organize things to the tiniest OCD detail, not leaving him room to change us.
This is what life as a Christian is supposed to be. Flowing with him. Adjusting to HIS will. Being changed. Every day. Serving him according to HIS mind and ideas and not my own.
Yes, I realize some planning is necessary. I totally get that. So does God, I’m sure. But the point is: can you adjust and get on board with what the Spirit is doing if it doesn’t meet your expectations? Can you flow with him? Change directions? Let go your thoughts?
SEE him and where he’s at? Even if it’s another direction than what you were anticipating?
It took a lot of therapy to retrain my stroke hand to let go gracefully. Weeks and weeks. It’s going to take a lot of retraining, tests and dashed expectations, for my stroke brain to learn to give up and surrender gracefully.
But, I did it today. He helped me see. And he’ll help me tomorrow.
If you truly want his ways MORE than your own….and you’re willing to let him loose your grip on how you think he’s supposed to be working….. he’ll get you there too.
Let the Journey begin…. for me and for you….. ?
Love, mary ?