Thanksgiving day will mark one year since my stroke. Hard to believe it’s been almost a year. Time flies when you’re having fun… And when you’re not. Fall used to be my favorite time of year, but I’ve struggled with it’s approach this year. So many negative memories associated with it now. Where it used to make me rejoice, it feels poignant and melancholy to me now. Sober and reflective.
Yes, God has been good. But jeepers, it’s been a rough year. ?
I’ve wanted to run away at times, to quit, to ditch the struggles and have my life make some sense again. A number of times, I’ve just sat in my husbands arms crying out that I didn’t want to do this anymore, ? that I just want to be normal again, and not be a burden to anyone, and hold my grandson and carry him around, sleep, and be able to think clearly again and function logically. ?
But even with that said…I’m one of those who trusts when God says all things work together for good and I believe He has a purpose for every single detail of what He allows into our lives. Every. Single. Detail. I believe there was no aspect of this thing left untouched by God’s wisdom and care.
A 5 cm area of my brain exploded. Such a tiny space to effect so much. Walking, talking, thinking, functioning. But it was only 5 cm and no more. The explosion was contained by God’s hand, and not allowed to go beyond what He spoke. God has a need and an idea in all this. A vision for what it’s supposed to end up at. He weakens our strength so that HE can shine through more and better. This is about spiritual things, not just physical. The same way bible stories aren’t just about the stories, but have a spiritual meaning behind them. It’s about seeing Him and drawing closer to Him. His truths. His Love. What He wants me, and the others in my life to see of Himself; the wonder of His Son.
I can’t just abandon Him and His ways cuz things are hard and not the way I want them. Either I believe He’s real when the hard things come or I don’t really believe. Either I strive to see the spiritual MORE than physical, or I don’t believe. Sheesh, I know that’s pretty cut and dried and black and white with totally no sugar-coating, but it really always comes down to that.
It always comes down to that. Every trial. Every health issue. Every sorrow. Every struggle. Every everything.
And so I bow.
And trust.
And go forward.
And I’m okay in Him.
???
love, mary
