The Muck & Mire of Emotions

I get in these jags from time to time where I’m just fighting my circumstances. I’m tired of being disabled. Tired of hurting every. single. day. All. day. Tired of being limited. Tired. Tired of everything being so hard. Why can’t I…? Why did God…? You get the picture.

I know in my head that it’s thankfulness that can turn the tide. So I say the words. But it’s not really in my heart. Until it’s really in my heart, things won’t change.

So I have to ask the Lord to create it in me. To make it happen in me. To speak to how I’m feeling. To break through my mood and the habit of thought I’ve fallen into. More than just change my self-talk, but to put thankfulness truly in my heart.

This is how he broke through the latest jag of inner fighting. It’s a reference to Psalm 41:3. This post was written by an 80 year old man who had a stroke and knows much more daily pain than I do. Jesus shares our pain. There’s nothing we’re going through that he’s not there for us. 

I think of the drs., nurses, aides, my husband and family and friends after my stroke 3 1/2 years ago. They were there for me, literally making my bed, cheering me on, attending to my needs, helping me overcome, encouraging me, sticking close to my side as I went through a terrible, traumatic circumstance.

I might not physically SEE him, but that’s Jesus in my now. Whatever I’m feeling, he knows. He totally understands pain. He shares in it with me, and in an incredibly deeper way than any human being could.

No. My circumstance hasn’t changed. My pain hasn’t gone away. Even now, this moment, I hurt. ..But.. my (inner) eyes have moved. 

Off of me and how I feel and onto him being with me in it. Onto the things that he suffered. Onto how we (he and I) can have fellowship together in our pain.

Jesus gave fair warning that in this life we’re going to have tribulation. He said he didn’t come to take us out of this world, and make every circumstance all better for us, but… he did promise to keep us from the evil of it. John 17.

Part of the evil of it is being in the muck and mire of my emotions. Depressed. Complaining. No joy. Succumbing to it. Going under in it. Drowning. That’s the evil, earthly focus he promises to keep me from.

But I have to allow him to draw my eyes up higher.

Now thankfulness can come. Thankful that though I have pain, I’m never alone. Thankful for his beauty, grace, and wisdom. Thankful that in him changing my perspective, it also somehow makes it not hurt so much.?

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